My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
