Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
