it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
