I'm eating all of the evidence.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
