I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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