Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
