I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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