I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
