You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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