Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
