it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Randomize
