I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
