Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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