so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
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I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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