I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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