I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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