Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
