i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
