Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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