broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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