I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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