He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
