don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
