what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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