I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize