First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
