Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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