theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
