I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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