I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
