I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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