I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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