I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
