Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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