if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
