I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
