i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
