Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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