he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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