Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
