if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
