I checked into jail on foursquare
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
