Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
