I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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