I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
