just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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