So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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