In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
