my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
