He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
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First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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