Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
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Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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