i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
from now on my penis is your penis
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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