We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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