The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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