hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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