I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
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I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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